The last couple week have found me in what feels like, overall, a better place than I was for most of the past spring. Naturally, I am worried about the state of affairs in the larger world but personally, I think I am not doing too poorly.
Part of my struggle for the last year has come from balancing work and school and now motherhood. It was okay because I was proud to be going back to school and finally pursuing a goal. Then, reality set it in when I found out that I wouldn’t be able to apply for the nursing program because there are no part time or evening class options once you’re accepted into the program and I can’t afford to just quit my job. Instead, I’m trying to work on blooming where I am planted and focus on getting a degree that I can use with my current employer. I’ve been toying with the idea of Cyber Defense but that is so far outside my comfort zone, I’m hesitant.
While I am trying to figure this out, I’ve taken the summer away from school to let myself have some time to enjoy my life with my baby girl without the added pressure of maintaining a 4.0. I’ve also been focusing on trying to get my own personal health under control. Obviously, there have still been very high and very low points but overall it’s been really good.
Life with a baby is different. I can’t suddenly get inspired decide to train for a marathon because I can’t dedicate that much time outside of the house. I have to follow a schedule and learn to cope when things come up that affect that schedule.
However, I think the added structure is helping me. Insomnia is more or less a thing of the past. Odd, right? What parent says they get more sleep after baby than before? Now, that she is sleeping through the night though, I find that I average 7 hours a night myself. I have one, maybe two nights per week where my mind is racing and I can’t fall asleep but compared to my previous record, I will not be complaining. I think she has brought a sense of purpose to my life that helps me prioritize my worries. When I feel the psychological pressure start building, I imagine leaning down and smelling the top of her little head. I don’t think I will ever appreciate or be more familiar with any other scent. The closest thing to compare it with is the feeling you get when an unexpected midsummer breeze brings the hint of honeysuckle on a hot day and you inhale deeply, trying to hold on to it before your nose adjusts to the scent and you lose its trail.
I think having a meditation practice is helping me as well. I feel like I am able to focus more and am generally more present. I’m also finding that I’m able to relax a little more without the guilt of all the other things I should be doing.
For me, Life was good today and yesterday. I know for so many, it isn’t and that bothers me but I’ll do what I can, where I can. In the meantime, I’m going to revel in these moments of happiness and contentedness. They may not last and that’s what makes them even more precious.