I am working on adding a meditation practice to my daily routine. Partly, because the world is fucked and I need to find some kind of coping mechanism but I have also realized that I spend so much time distracted and worrying about all the things I need to do or want to do or wish I could do that I’m not enjoying anything that I actually am doing.
There is a last time for everything. Once Annabelle started sleep training at 4 months, she stopped falling asleep in my arms. She sleeps longer and better if she is alone in her crib so that is where we place her for every nap and every night. (This both an upside and a downside to rigorously following safe sleep recommendations.) She is almost 11 months now. In a little over a month, she’ll be one year old. My infant will likely never fall asleep in my arms again. I don’t know exactly when the last time it happened was but I know that I would give anything to relive it – just for a little while. The practice of mindfulness promises to help me stay present in those moments so here I am, giving it the old college try.
Today I started out my meditation angry – as a little hornet. Sam Harris said something to the effect of – when you stop and are aware of the emotion arising and you intentionally examine the sensation (as opposed to thinking of all the reasons you have to be angry), it is impossible to stay angry. The only way to stay angry is if you keep recreating that sensation from one moment to the next. And I’ll be damned but I think he was right. I don’t want to spend the majority of my life angry, depressed, and miserable. I want to learn to be able to control my reaction to the world even if I cannot control the world itself.
Side note: When I tried bringing my awareness to and examining the pain in my upper back, I noticed I couldn’t hold on to that either. Yes, I had taken some ibuprofen half an hour earlier that was kicking in but the timing sure was convenient.